The Bachelor Season 20: Episode 2

Recap

Our lord and savior.

Recap done.

Seriously though, Lace is pretty much the entire episode. Was anybody expecting anything different? Lace has single-handedly carried this season so far and in return receives the dubious honor of getting the "villain" edit, which must be The Bachelor's sick way of saying "thank you" or something.

"I am The Bachelor."

Anyway, the episode starts out with the girls talking about how Ben is the "best guy in the world", even though they've only known him for one day, when a date card arrives. The first group date! Since there are currently twenty-one girls in the house, this group date ends up including a massive ten girls -- Amber, Becca, Jackie, Jennifer, Jojo, Jubilee, Lace, LB, Lauren H., and Mandi -- going "back to high school".

"I'm still mentally in high school so I'm going to win this."

The girls all meet up with Ben in a random high school while "Principal" Chris Harrison explains the group date challenge. The girls are split off into assigned teams of two and are to compete in random events in order to earn the honor of being "Ben's homecoming queen". Jubilee makes some comment about how since she was in the army, she will easily win the challenge, but I guess the producers felt the need to balance her out, so they paired with Lace. Amber and Mandi are put together probably because nobody else likes them.

Strongest team right here.

The first challenge starts with "science class" and involves a race to see who can make "Ben's volcano explode", and the last team to do so will be eliminated. By Ben's volcano, I really mean one of those school science project volcanoes. There are beakers and such all around with labels such as "communication" and "trust", and the girls try to follow written instructions in order to put them all together correctly to form "the perfect relationship" which in doing will erupt the volcano. It comes as no surprise that Jubilee and Lace get eliminated -- Jubilee comments that she doesn't think Lace knows how to read, while Lace comments that she was terrible in school, and let's be honest, she probably can't read.

"Lace...how did you make it this far in life?"

Next, the girls go to "lunch class" and...bob for apples, pass the apple to their teammate without using their hands, and finally place the apple on a lunch tray to progress. Who in production is coming up with these challenges? Fire them. Also, Chris Harrison actually calls it "lunch class". Anyway, Jackie and Lauren H. get eliminated because, as Lauren H. put it, "Jackie isn't very good with her mouth". ZING.

Mandi and Amber get an F in Lunch Class for being stupid.

I liked on Chris Soules's season how all of the challenges the girls had to do were stupid but still funny and entertaining, such as the girls having to race tractors going 5MPH in their bikinis, or even in Kaitlyn's season where the guys were simply pit against each other in fights to the death every week, but Ben is apparently too classy for any of that. This next challenge has the remaining teams try to place the state of Indiana on a map. That's the challenge. They aren't even in their bikinis! Jojo and Becca get eliminated because they place Indiana sideways.

"At least we're not Lace..."

The two remaining teams now face off in the ultimate raw basketball challenge: the first team to make two free throws wins. The girls all suck at basketball though, so after shooting the ball, the camera always cuts to a new scene where a basket is made, and it's clear to any viewer over the age of 12 that none of the girls were able to make a free throw. Amber and Mandi are declared the winners, most likely out of pity for being the worst contestants this season.

"At least I'm not Amber..."

Finally, in a true plot twist that nobody saw coming, Mandi and Amber are required to compete against each other in a hurdles race in order to earn the coveted title of "Ben's homecoming queen". Amber talks for an hour about how she's not going to lose but then gets smoked by Mandi who is surprisingly nimble. Does anyone else wish it would have been Jubilee racing Lace instead? Also, did anyone else see how pissed Ben looked when Mandi won the race?

Mandi: "OMG look at me I'm finally pretty."

Whatever, Mandi gets to be the homecoming queen and I assume got some extra alone time with Ben, but it's never shown or mentioned so who knows. What would they even talk about anyway? All Mandi cares about are teeth and Ben...can talk about high school? Does anybody ever really want that? Maybe Ben read the Goosebumps series? Goosebumps is always interesting.

Ben: "So...what's your favorite Goosebumps book?"
Mandi: "Say Cheese and Die."

And now, everyone's favorite part of the group dates: the "after date get together" where the girls each try to get some alone time with Ben. Becca steals him away first and they both go to a basketball court where Becca apparently schools him, but just like earlier the camera cuts away whenever a ball is shot into the hoop so who knows what actually happened. Becca tells Ben that she "wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be", spoken like a true graduate of The Bachelor series, and unlike Amber we're actually glad she's back.

Becca: "It's great to be back Chris."
Amber: "Tell me about it!"
Chris: "Who the fuck are you?"

Ben also has a very nice conversation with Jennifer and she receives the first real kiss. Only...apparently there was an unaired kiss previous to this event.

Just goes to show you how staged this "reality show" really is.

Lace is pissed as usual because she hasn't gotten to spend any time with Ben yet, going as far as to say "the rest of these women can suck it" as well as other things in the realm of "fuck these ugly skanks". Seriously, entire scenes of her talking were bleeped out. When Lace does finally get time, she tries to continuously apologize for her drunken self the other night (for anyone that doesn't remember: after receiving a rose, she took Ben aside and chewed him out for not looking at her enough), and Ben is once again unable to say anything because she just keeps interrupting him with more useless comments. Jubilee eventually comes to take Ben away after what I assume was over ten hours and Lace is fuming, thinking in her fantasy world that Ben was just about to kiss her right at that moment before being interrupted.

"I guess I'm just going to have to kill Jubilee now."

Jubilee and Ben have a very deep conversation and she scores a kiss and some "thanks for letting your walls down" points. When Jubilee returns, Lace makes it known that she is pissed at Jubilee for "interrupting her" and continues to pout about how "everyone thinks that she has had so much time with Ben but she has actually had no time because she is always being interrupted or cut off." Amber and Jackie high five because they have spent no time with Ben but will make no attempts to change that the rest of the episode.

Who they should have brought back instead of Amber.
Can you imagine her and Lace going at it?

Lace decides to immediately go and steal Ben again for a second time, angering all of the other girls. What are the rules to stealing Ben away anyway? I will ask over and over, I do not get it. Why doesn't Ben regulate it at all? He's responsible for at least half of this drama! I guess he just wants to make sure he doesn't have to spend time with Amber.

"Tbh I like making the girls fight."

Lace death grips Ben's hand until it's white and forces him to talk to her again, and it actually appears to be a "good" conversation (Lace says it was good but who really knows for sure). Lace still gets no kiss, but claims that Ben was making "eye contact galore" with her and that they were basically "eye fucking".

Lace: "Look at me harder. HARDER! AWWW YEAHHH."

When Lace comes back, the other girls are still really pissed at her and I'm sure there was some off screen bickering as Ben grabs Jojo and takes her to the top of a building. He tells her that he likes her bubbliness and it's actually a really cute moment. Let me add that Ben seriously could NOT keep his hands (or mouth) off of her and was clearly very infatuated. The group date rose is then given to Jojo, which notably makes Jubilee and Lace very angry. Amber apparently still has not spent any time with Ben, I don't get why she even came back if she wasn't going to try.

Jojo's self-deprecating humor is spot on! She deserved that group date rose!

Back at the bachelor mansion, Caila receives the first one on one date card, and in order to promote their new movie Ride Along 2 that comes out in a few days -- err I mean to take Ben and Caila out on a date -- is none other than Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. With only three or four plugs for their new movie (as well as the entire date being a "ride along"), it was still enjoyable to see Ben and Caila try to have a one on one with someone as energetic and intrusive as Kevin Hart. Oh and Olivia reveals that her mouth is abnormally large.

Hey Lauren H., is Olivia good with her mouth?

I'm glad to see she's a good sport about it.

Seriously, I love that the girls on this season can actually make fun of themselves.

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart take Ben and Caila on a "cheap-o" date, which includes driving around, bargaining for roses off the side of the street, buying cheap liquor (and condoms) from a convenient store, and then dipping in a hot tub...in a hot tub store. But Caila really holds on and has a great time with Ben, and their dinner together afterwards goes very well. And then they go see some country artist play a private concert and they kiss and stuff and whatever nobody cares because Ice Cube and Kevin Hart aren't there for this part. When asked what the most romantic thing the two actors had ever done for a girl was, Ice Cube responded with "I married one" while Kevin Hart croaked out "I made fried chicken for her in a crock pot", and I think I broke a rib from laughing too hard. Can Kevin Hart be the next bachelor please?

"Only girls under 5'2" please."

Did you think the last group date was terrible? This next one is even worse. Another batch of girls --
Amanda, Emily, Haley, Olivia, Samantha, and Shushanna -- go meet Ben at a...laboratory...thing that uses science to test...love and the owner is called the...love doctor and...it's all so stupid. All of it. Nothing about this is the least bit exciting, and Lace isn't even on this date so there's no entertainment.

"Face it, you need me."

A series of "scientific tests" that apparently determine each girl's scientific compatibility with Ben are then performed, which includes the girls working out and then letting a blindfolded Ben sniff their reproductive regions and see what he thinks about the smell.

These outfits are obviously 100% essential for this test.

All of the girls smell good to Ben except for Samantha, to which Ben claims she smells "sour". Why Ben, just why. While he was sniffing, he should have the common sense to realize that the girls weren't blind or deaf and whoever he said smelled bad would be insulted. Either Ben is rude or stupid. Samantha gets very upset and Olivia makes fun of her for smelling bad. Also, during the entire date, Olivia claims in confessionals that she has already won the competition and every other girl is just wasting their time. And more importantly, Shushanna finally shows that she is capable of speaking English.

Ben: "Do you smell it? A Kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells...smelly.
ANCHOVIES."

The "love doctor" shows the results of the tests and comes to the totally not made up conclusion that Samantha has the lowest "score" with a 2.45/10 while Olivia has the highest with a 7.42/10. This whole date was pointless and it only served to give Olivia an even bigger ego than she had before, if that's even possible.

Olivia: "We're basically smell fucking right now."

The "after date get together" was pretty uneventful. Olivia gets kisses and the group date rose, Amanda opens up about her kids (to which Ben responds positively to -- good for him), and Samantha gets a massive apology. The twins (not sure who is speaking to Ben when) come across as goofy while Shushanna tells Ben her story about moving from Russia to the U.S. This "after date get together" goes way smoother than the previous one, if only we could figure out why. Hmmm.

"I didn't get enough FUCKING TIME."

Finally we reach the cocktail party, a segment of the show I'm renaming "The Adventures of Lace", because Lace carried the rest of the episode from here. Olivia, despite already having possession of a rose, steals Ben aside anyway which infuriates the rest of girls, to which Lace bravely takes the stand for her people and asks Olivia to chat privately. Here we go, villain vs. villain, this is what everyone has been waiting for, and it's only episode two! However...it becomes evident very quickly that our misguided Lace is no match for Olivia, the real villain this season.

"DON'T MESS WITH ME, I WILL EAT YOU WHOLE."

Lace, the martyr, confronts our villain with the most expertly crafted accusation: "You did what you did knowing the other girls were all going to react." Olivia, however, expertly retorts with "This rose means nothing to me; you girls mean nothing to me; my relationship with Ben is what matters to me." Cue Lace's fall from grace, where her strong confrontation devolves to whining about how she hasn't gotten to spend any time with Ben and how everyone thinks she's spent time but she really hasn't and everything else you'd expect Lace to say. Olivia continues to talk badly about every single contestant in confessionals while our poor and defeated Lace goes to find Ben.

Lace = True American Hero

Upon finding Ben, Lace explains to him how he hasn't met the "real Lace" yet and continuously apologizes for it. She tells him that she has a bold personality and is a lot to handle and that she's not crazy...at this point I just feel absolutely horrible for Lace. I really do; she honestly doesn't like herself and with every line she speaks to Ben, I feel more and more of her pain. She follows up by telling him that she was ugly as a child and drones on and on while Ben looks like he would rather kill himself than listen to another word. Eventually Ben gets stolen away and Lace gets pissed that she didn't get enough time with him for the hundredth time this episode, to the point of reducing to tears and coming to the conclusion that she is definitely going to be sent home tonight.

I don't know what she's talking about, Lace was a cute kid!

Aww, look at little Lace. <3

Ben also meets with a couple of girls that he didn't get to see on the group dates, like Lauren B. and Leah, as well as makes hair clips with Amanda for her kids. Unsurprisingly, Amber still makes no attempt to talk to Ben the entire night.

"I want to lose."

Last but not least, we have our rose ceremony. LB leaves the mansion on her own after receiving a rose because she can't handle the competition, to which Ben tells the girls that he can now give her rose to someone else that he was previously going to eliminate...and guess who gets that rose? Amber! Maybe she'll actually try talking to Ben now. Also, before you ask, Lace was not eliminated! The show desperately needs her in order to make the two hour run time!

There's no brakes on the Lace train!

Goodbyes

Jackie

I heard through the grapevine that she isn't very good with her mouth.

Lauren "LB"

Only two more Laurens left. I wish she would have waited one more week to leave though so Amber would have went home.

Mandi

Good, Mandi's "weirdness" already got boring.

Samantha

Alright, this I don't understand. Samantha came across as very kind and good hearted, and she's a lawyer so clearly she's intelligent, but she got sent home...because the "love doctor" gave her the lowest "love compatibility" score?! Because she smelled "sour" after working out?! That was all bullshit and this girl really shouldn't have been sent home over someone like Amber.


Rankings
(Based on who I like, not on who I think will win)

Low

Amber

She caught a lucky break with LB leaving, but needs to learn how the show works. After three seasons you'd think she understands that in order to get anywhere on this show, she needs to actually talk to the bachelor. She'll probably get sent home next episode though.

Olivia

I went back and forth on this, but Olivia is ranked low purely because of a certain comment she made. I don't care about what the girls say in confessionals as much I care about their actual conduct with the other girls. After Olivia was done talking to Ben despite already having a rose, which was already a dick move, she told the girls something along the lines of "Okay, I'm done, now you guys can all have at it". Like Lace bravely accused when confronting her, she wanted the other girls to react, and I simply cannot condone that kind of behavior. She has an impressive mouth though, but sadly that isn't enough to save her.

That awkward moment when your mouth as multiple twitter accounts.

Mid
(In no particular order because there are too many girls at the moment)

Emily

One of the twins admitted to "not being smart"...don't do that.

Haley

One of the twins admitted to "not being smart"...don't do that.

Jami

Literally zero screen time. Surprised she wasn't eliminated to be honest. I guess Jackie was just that bad with her mouth.

Jubilee

Needs to learn how to high five.

Leah

She had a nice conversation with Ben but nothing else really beyond that, needs more screen time.

Rachel

Literally zero screen time.


High
(Once again in no particular order)

Amanda

See? I knew her voice would grow on me. Also her conversation with Ben regarding her kids went very well and I'm glad she didn't wait too much longer to tell him, because that is a very important factor regarding their relationship.

Becca

Becca = how to do everything right.

Caila

Rivals Olivia and possibly Shushanna the mathematician as the most intelligent girl on the show this season. Seems really fun to be around as well.

Jennifer

Definitely the best speaker of the bunch, and seems to captivate Ben every time they have a conversation. She also got the first "real kiss" of the season, and Ben initiated it.

Joelle "Jojo"

Honestly, I think she's in my number one spot right now. Ben just could NOT keep his hands off of her, and who could blame him? Jojo is gorgeous and bubbly and funny and everything a guy could want.

Lace

Lace, our lord and savior, who died for our sins, somehow lives another day at the hand of the producers. Like I said in the recap, I can feel the poor girl's inner pain just from watching her, and I hope she finds peace with herself one day. I care more about her story than I do Ben's at this point.

Lauren B.

Ben said something to her along the lines of "I want to do something really special for you but I don't know what", and then gave her a picture of the two of them of when they first met...last week...how romantic. Thankfully Lauren B. is the happiest girl in the world and loves the picture, and hopefully gets to go on a date next week.

Lauren H.

Her sassy comments = on point.

Shushanna

Hurray for speaking English! She reveals to Ben that she came from Russia to the U.S. with only $400, a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and two bottles of vodka. Impressive! She also said a few things this episode, as well as in the confessionals, that makes me really like her -- she has a really cute accent too. Hope to see more of her in the next episode.


Conclusion

The Bachelor Episode 2 = Poorly constructed stupid group dates + Kevin Hart + Lace
This is an award winning formula. I loved every minute.

I just uh really like this picture.