Recap
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| "Kill me pls." |
And we begin! The season starts with a really staged introduction of our bachelor Ben Higgins. To anyone that didn't read my previous post, I do like Ben Higgins, but seriously this "intro" didn't do him any justice. It felt like one of those videos you watch before starting a retail job where it's insanely cheesy and trying too hard to relate to it's viewers. Ben lives in Warsaw, Indiana, a town that nobody has ever heard of (think Chris Soules's town only not THAT bad). Ben shows us his tiny high school and then for some reason is filmed playing basketball alone using a hoop off the side of a barn. Was this necessary? Does anybody really believe that Ben playing basketball by himself off the side of a barn is part of his daily life? Honestly though Ben seems like a good guy, and is a much better choice for the bachelor than some of the other potential candidates.
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| "Meh, I'll just go on again next season." |
Next we meet Ben's parents, who have been married for a long time and have a really nice yard. Why can't Ben just talk to his parents normally? They act like they're reading off of a script. It's better than Chris Soules not being able to form complete sentences though. Ben's parents bring up the fact that last season Ben told Kaitlyn that he was "unloveable" and unfortunately I see this becoming a major "theme" and I am already severely annoyed with this show (I love this show please help me). I get that they want Ben to come across as "relatable" and "sweet down to earth humble vulnerable etc" but this is just overkill. Can we get to the girls yet?
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| Please, can we get to the girls now? |
Nope, because Ben first needs to hear the words of wisdom from three previous bachelors...okay so we have Sean Lowe, Jason Mesnick, and...Chris Soules. Chris Soules has just become a goldmine of laughter for the Bachelor franchise. Jason and Sean tell Ben some useless advice about following his heart while Chris, genius voice of The Bachelor generation, tells Ben to "kiss them all". They give Ben some dirty cum-stained underwear and tell him he has to wear it. Can we get to the girls yet?
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| Pozhaluysta , my mozhem poluchit' s devushkami seychas? |
Yes, finally it's girl time. As always, the girls exit the limo one by one, walk up to Ben, try to say/do something quirky, and then walk into the mansion and judge everyone else. Lauren B. is first out of the limo and gives Ben a pin from the airline she works for. Caila runs up to Ben and forces him to carry her. In the preview for the girls, Caila mentions that she broke up with her boyfriend for Ben, which is borderline insane. Some other notable first impressions include Jojo who wore a unicorn mask, Lace who straight up kissed Ben immediately, Shushanna who only spoke Russian, Mandi who wore a giant paper rose on her head (and when asked, claimed she just picked it in the garden), and Maegan who brought a...mini horse.
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| "You might as well just give me my fantasy suite invite now." |
Some blunders include Jubilee trying to tell a three hour joke and failing, Lauren R. never telling Ben her name despite him asking thrice, and Izzy wearing onesie pajamas. More on Izzy: this is your FIRST impression with the bachelor and every other girl is wearing their most elegant dress. What a terrible decision all to make a pun ("I'm the onesie for you"). Rachel came in on a hoverboard and I was waiting for it to explode. Breanne gives some bread to Ben and tells him to break it on a rock because "gluten is evil" and I was waiting for her to explode.
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| Izzy: "You are totally out of this world!" Ben: "Haha...good one..." Izzy: "Can I see Uranus?" Ben: "Okay stop I need some space now...shit what did you do to me?" Izzy: "I bet you have a big rocket ship!" |
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| Ben: "I used to knead you, but now you're BREAD TO ME." |
Meanwhile, Lace is already binge drinking and making some very hilarious remarks regarding every other girl in the house. Memorable quotes such as "I'm just sitting here judging everybody" and also commenting out loud that some of the girls have small boobs (it then shows poor Lauren B. looking down at her chest). Maegan's horse is still roaming around the mansion. Like what if it poops? It even shows the horse stepping on one of the girl's dresses. Everyone is scared that there are twins with the threatening occupation of "twin", and that feeling increases when none other than Becca herself, returning for another season, bursts through the door in search of Ben.
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| The Bachelor Episode 1 = Shit Lace Says: The Experience |
Lace proclaims that Becca's status as a returning contestant gives her an edge and...wait there was another girl that came in with Becca? Another returning contestant...? I can't remember her name so I guess she isn't important. Lace doesn't remember her name either. The more I watch, the more I like Lace: she just says what everyone else is thinking. Like Trump only...The Bachelor's version.
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| "We should build a wall around the mansion to keep out twins, returning contestants, girls prettier than me, girls with bigger boobs than me, and most importantly girls that bring horses. Let's make The Bachelor great again." |
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| "Do you just fucking keep this stuff on you?" |
Afterwards, Ben has some notably good interactions with Jennifer, Olivia, and Caila. Caila and Ben discuss having the same job in software sales and it's really geeky. Not following Chris Soules's advice, Ben does not kiss a single girl (not counting Lace's forced kiss), which is actually a good choice. Speaking of Lace, her conversation with Ben was absolutely spot on perfect, there is no way she doesn't make it to hometowns. Get this: she awkwardly asks him to kiss her again, and when he says no he wants to talk to her on a deeper level first, she...doesn't know where to go from there. Lace can shit talk so well, I thought she had this talking thing in the bag. She was pretty drunk though. Another girl steals Ben away and Lace gets pissed about being interrupted and not getting enough time (she's basically Ashley I. from last season), and continues to complain about it the rest of the night.
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| Lace: "That girl next to me is a skank poopyhead nasty piece of diarrhea." Ben: "Let's try talking about literally anything else." Lace: "I uhh can't." |
Then in a moment of pure beauty, Ben goes through the mansion trying to seek out Lace in order to talk to her again. Why do the girls not all hang near where Ben is though? He eventually finds Lace and gives her a second chance to continue their conversation (aka a clean slate) which drunk Lace does not pick up on and instead tries to profusely apologize for earlier. The producers are definitely going to force Ben to give her a rose. And I appreciate that. Lace still complains about not having enough time though.
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| "I'm going to need like, twelve more hours." |
Ben then seeks out Olivia and gives her the first impression rose, which is a solid choice. At this point, I still don't know if Shushanna speaks English and somehow Lace hasn't thrown up yet and Maegan's horse is still wandering around so what better time to do a rose ceremony? There's the usual "I didn't come here just to get sent home" mumbo jumbo and Ben sends seven of them home after giving the last rose to Lace. See, I told you the producers would keep her around! They also clearly wanted Mandi to stay...
Just when you think Lace is finished for the night, she pulls Ben aside and in a drunken rage claims that he "didn't make eye contact with her the entire rose ceremony". Ben is flabbergasted and becomes Chris Soules and can't form a complete sentence (in this case it's reasonable because Lace is being absolutely unreasonable) and Ben promises that it wasn't on purpose and that in the future he'll...make sure to look at her more.
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| Ben: "Can I please send Lace home?" Chris Harrison: "No way, she's literally 80% of the episode. We need her." |
Goodbyes
Breanne
Isabel "Izzy"
I'm upset about this one. In my previous post, I talked about how she seemed like one of the most normal and grounded contestants. If only she didn't wear a onesie.
Jessica
While her eyes do freak me out, I can't help but wonder why Ben didn't keep her over Mandi or Amber the most boring girl in existence. Did she really screw up her conversation with Ben that bad?
Laura
Poor Laura. On her exit she said "I guess Ben just doesn't like red heads". She was really hit hard from being sent home night one and it made me feel. If only she didn't get caught up in Lace's bullshit (nearly every scene of Lace complaining was to her) she may have stood a chance.
Lauren R.
I cannot figure out why Ben sent her home. She is gorgeous and has a real career.
Maegan
Boy am I shellshocked right now, I thought, honestly, that Maegan was a shoe-in for the final two, if not the straight up winner. I know that I am not alone as all of America yells in protest of Ben's actions.
Tiara
The chicken girl got sent home too? Another blow, I thought for sure it was going to be Maegan vs Tiara -- Horse vs Chicken -- in the finals. I don't think I can watch this show anymore.
Rankings
(Based on who I like, not on who I think will win)
Low
Amber
She's just so boring, and unlike Becca she doesn't get better with each season.
Amber still hasn't learned that in order to succeed on this show, you actually have to TALK to the bachelor. Lace didn't even know who she was when she walked in with Becca. It's too early in the show for me to really dislike girls yet, but Amber has had ample time to show who she is and she's just so boring. Ambore -- you're boring.
Mandi
While I found her audition video hilarious (link is in my previous post), she didn't come across very well in this episode. While she was quirky at first, it quickly became too over the top and annoying. It's obvious the producers saved her from going home.
Mid
(In no particular order because there are too many girls at the moment)
Emily
The twins talking in unison and completing each other's sentences was funny and them both talking to Ben at the same time was an interesting strategy, but let's hope there's more depth to them.
Haley
The twins talking in unison and completing each other's sentences was funny and them both talking to Ben at the same time was an interesting strategy, but let's hope there's more depth to them.
Get it? I posted the same thing twice? Because they're twins! In all seriousness I would love them to be shown as their own individual people, but the show is going through great lengths to not let that happen, so I will not be able to differentiate them at this time.
Jackie
Pretty much zero screen time.
Jami
Telling Ben that she's friends with Kaitlyn and how she was told Ben had a big <pause> heart was funny but afterwards received pretty much zero screen time.
Jubilee
Jubilee's intro video was really forced and looked so staged and it annoyed me to no end. On the aftershow, Chris Harrison called Jubilee an "American war hero" despite knowing nothing about her other than that she was in the army. She's already rubbing me the wrong way for some reason, but I'm hoping it's just because of production rather than her own doing. Hopefully there's more to her than just simply being a war veteran. She's in most of the previews so I can safely assume she makes it far into this season.
Lauren "LB"
Pretty much zero screen time. Interesting eyebrows.
Lauren H.
She seems cool, but not enough screen time to pass judgement.
Leah
Her football hiking gimmick was awesome, but I still can't forget her bio where she claims to have twerked against the wall during her casting interview, so for now we'll put her in mid until she gets some more screen time.
Rachel
I'm glad her hoverboard didn't explode.
Samantha
Her preview story was really sad...it made me feel.
High
(Once again in no particular order)
Amanda
I hope she gets more screen time next episode. Her voice was a throwback to Whitney and just like Whitney I'm sure it'll grow on me over time. Her intro at the beginning of the episode shows her as nice and genuine, which are two very important qualities.
Becca
Everybody loves Becca. She has already proven herself to be better than this show. Chris Soules's decision to pick Becca or Whitney was truthfully Becca's decision to decide whether she wanted to marry someone she had just met 10 weeks ago or not -- and she chose no, and the rest is history. Becca: the virgin: the realist: returns: 2: electric boogaloo.
Caila
Her bubbliness and genuine excitement when talking about software sales with Ben was one of the few moments on this show where I felt happiness.
Jennifer
She speaks very well and nearly got the first impression rose.
Joelle "Jojo"
Another girl that's good with her words, and the unicorn mask was pretty funny.
Lace
While her fate was definitely predetermined by the producers, I'm definitely glad she stayed. She's hilarious. She's ridiculous. She demands eye contact. She was pretty much the entire episode. Can't wait to hopefully see her go crazy next episode.
Lauren B.
She literally radiates happiness: she is stunning. And Ben was in awe when she walked out of the limo. Even her intro video was adorable. Best of the Laurens as well.
Olivia
Another seemingly great girl. I say seemingly because the previews for the next episode show her causing drama...but for now she seems like one of the best of the bunch.
Shushanna
Besides the fact that I am extremely attracted to her, talking only Russian to Ben was hilarious and also very unique. While it never showed her speaking English this episode, I assume that she can because otherwise why would Ben keep her over the seven girls he sent home if he can't communicate with her? That would be hilarious if she actually doesn't speak English though...those girls would feel really bad huh?
Conclusion
The Bachelor Episode 1 was everything you'd expect: Ben gets introduced, the girls get introduced, Ben questionably sends home certain girls over other arguably better choices, and one girl drinks far too much.
Also, sorry Izzy, but your onesie pun not only wasn't enough to receive a rose, but it also wasn't even the best pun of the episode.
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| Get it!? Because she's a flight attendant!! |
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| Get it!? Because she's a...chicken enthusiast... |
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