The Bachelor Season 20: Episode 3

Recap

The Adventures of Lace continues! I mean...erm The Bachelor.

The previous two episodes were entirely revolved around Lace and the theatrics between her and herself, but this episode finally gives the other contestants some much needed characterization. And more importantly, it's time for the real drama to arrive!

Episode 3 = The true first episode of The Bachelor this season

The episode starts off with a couple of girls bad-mouthing Olivia behind her back. At least, I'm pretty sure it's Olivia they're talking about. Let me emphasize that I watched this episode twice: once with my morbidly obese cat and once with a reluctant friend, and both times I missed who the girls were talking about; I had to resort to searching online for the answer. Which sound designer made the decision to make it nearly impossible to hear what the girls are saying? The first words of the episode are practically inaudible and very easy to miss. Furthermore, another interesting decision, and by interesting I mean totally fucking confusing, is that the scenes of the girls talking cut mid-conversation at random intervals to another group of girls that Olivia is talking with, making it seem as if the original group of girls are roasting her to her face. Who made this terrible editing decision? How is it possible for not one person in production to notice the poor quality of this segment? And wow look at that -- everything is already bothering me and it's only the first minute of the episode. We have a long way to go...

"Hehehe I'm going to make this episode impossible to follow."

Why are these girls bad-mouthing Olivia, you ask? Apparently Olivia claimed that she spent $40,000 on clothes before coming on the show. Who knows if this is actually true or not, and if it is...well that's a lot of money to spend on clothes...but WHO CARES? Do these girls seriously have nothing better to do? I guarantee that all thems have spent a crazy amount of money on clothes as well. I can't even tell if this is supposed to make fun of her or not, I mean jeez I'm sure anybody in their right mind would like to have that much expendable money off hand in the first place. It's pretty much a compliment.

"Yeah, and she has a really good job too -- what an asshole!"

Olivia has been at times openly disrespectful to the other girls and is also the current front runner, so I can understand the anger towards her, but why are they talking about her alleged freakishly high clothes budget rather than what they are actually upset about? Olivia's success is what the other girls envy and this conversation does not make them look good, but rather extremely caddy. They're basically letting the troll win.

"This just in: I am winning."

In the mansion's "couch room", Chris Harrison gathers all of the girls together and makes an interesting announcement: this week will contain one group date and two one-on-one dates instead of the usual vice-versa. Oh boy.

"You could almost say that there are TWIN one-on-one dates!"

The first date card is the first one-on-one date, and it goes to Lauren B., a fan favorite. It's really hard not to like Lauren from what we've seen so far, and Ben has been making it obvious how attracted he is to her throughout the last few episodes. Ben picks Lauren up in a convertible (and we hear the usual "Oh em gee Ben looks so sexy when he drives.") and takes her to an airport, where there is a biplane waiting for them. Lauren is a bit hesitant to get in at first, but she is able to overcome her fear because "Ben makes her feel safe." Like we haven't heard that one before. I love how secure Ben makes her feel considering this is their first time interacting for longer than ten minutes.

Lauren: "Oh em gee Ben looks so sexy when he sits on a plane!"

Back at the mansion, poor Caila is having a monumental meltdown about Lauren going on the one-on-one date with Ben. While usually the tears on this show are pretty pointless, I sympathize with Caila 100% on this. She had the first one-on-one date last episode, and had an amazing time with Ben. They shared laughs, kissed, and formed a great connection. The realization struck that Ben was about to do all of that again with another girl, and he may possibly even like her more. Despite Caila not having known Ben for all that long, her feelings are completely justified and as far as I'm concerned this breakdown shows her in a positive light: she's not causing drama nor is she talking smack about Lauren, but rather is healthily expressing her feelings to another girl in the house. Is that even allowed on The Bachelor?

Pretend this is Caila pls I'm just a simple lad.

Ben and Lauren then hop in the back of the plane while a pilot takes them up in the air and does some stunts which do not translate very well on camera. It looks like they are completely stationary the entire time...which they probably are. The two smooch nearly the entire time as well. I would like to say that this is the most effort driven kissing I have ever seen on this show -- they truly work for it. Consider the following:

1. The two are huddled very close together in the small seat of the plane (practically overlapping); 

2. Both of them are wearing helmets with huge microphones in front of their mouths;

3. The plane is hurtling through the air, and with the being a lack of wind blocker, it is very hard for them to lean forward -- the tight seat belt further increases this difficulty; and 

4. Lauren's long hair is blowing in both of their faces. 

With all that in mind, one can imagine how difficult it was for the two to kiss each other.

And after all that could go wrong....their noses bump...

As the two fly around, the scene cuts back to the mansion, where all of the girls are apparently outside at the same time and can see the biplane overhead. Considering none of the girls knew what Lauren's date actually consisted of (all they saw was Ben picking her up in a car), Jojo comes to the immediate conclusion that Ben and Lauren must be in that plane. She's right, so I'm not knocking her for that, but...clearly either this was extremely staged or...

Hypothesis: Jojo has god-like eyesight.

Jojo was able to see where she was going in this mask after all...
I mean seriously where are the eye holes?

Ah okay I get it, she can see through the nostrils and mouth...whoa.
Her sight was extremely limited.

Here is a professional sketch of what can be seen when wearing the mask.

Sight Test

Example of what can be seen when looking through the mask...

...compared to the real image.

Conclusion

Jojo was able to see perfectly fine while wearing the mask despite
its extremely limited vision (as showcased above).
So in conclusion, she has crazy good eyesight and that scene made total sense.

After what feels like a year, the two land their plane in a desert area, and Ben happily reveals to Lauren that their date isn't over yet. He tells her to hop on his back and that he has a "surprise" for her. Lauren comments that she hates spontaneity and likes to have everything planned, which I personally think is a good quality. Is it the most "fun" quality? No. Is it the most realistic quality? Yes. Anyway, the surprise is...a hot tub! In the middle of the desert! I'm not even going to pretend like I understand how this was set up. Also, I find it extremely convenient that Lauren packed a bikini with her despite apparently not being told that this date was going to necessitate one. I like how neither Lauren nor Ben are shown to be carrying any kind of bag or backpack that would hold their change of clothes.

I DON'T SEE ANY BAGS GUYS.

And before anyone says "Well duh she's obviously wearing her bathing suit underneath her clothes," I would like to rebuttal with no she's fucking not.

This is her bathing suit.

As you can see here, she is clearly not wearing it under her clothes.

To anybody wondering why this bothers me so much, it's because the whole point of this show is to make it feel as real as possible -- as if the camera crew and production staff aren't really there -- these kinds of oversight kills any suspension of disbelief. And before you say, "Well duh, everyone knows that reality TV isn't real," yes I am aware of that, but I would think that it should be a top priority of the producers to make the show feel as "real" as possible. That's the whole point of reality television and it's little things like this that could easily be tacked on in order to improve the "experience." Considering this show is on its 20th season (plus The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, and the late Bachelor Pad), you'd think that the producers and staff would be skilled experts at the top of their field by this point, but they constantly make lazy and mindless mistakes like this that completely ruins the "reality". And to those that say I'm overreacting and that I'm entering nit-picking territory: this isn't just an isolated incident. I guess I just expect a little more from a show that's existed for nearly fifteen years now. A producer can be spotted coaching the girls in episode one for fucks sake!

This is like trying to find the hidden aliens in South Park!
(gif from alltheprettypandas.com)

Ahem...back to reality (haha), the two lovebirds have some very meaningful conversations in the hot tub.  Lauren talks about much she loves her dad and how perfect her dad is and how she wants to date someone exactly like her dad and how Ben is proving to be exactly like her dad...

"I actually just want to date my dad tbh."

I get what she means, but it does come across as a little weird. She says a bunch of other cute, albeit boring things and Ben questions her as to why she's single. Never ask a girl this by the way. She explains it's because she's really picky...something that she gets from her dad. This girl really only talks about her dad, huh? I'm bored, where the fuck is Lace at?

The hero The Bachelor needs. Please save this episode oh great one.

Soon running out of things to talk about, Ben dives into the topic he is most comfortable with: the Goosebumps series. This turns Lauren on and the two have an elongated make out session, and apparently showing every second of it was necessary. It lasts FOREVER. Clearly without Lace front and center, the producers need to get creative as to how they are going to fill the show's two hour run time. You know what they should do? Introduce a hilarious 80's styled theme song like they did for Bachelor in Paradise. That's a minute right off the bat!

I love how Chris Harrison is reading his own book.
Has anybody actually read it by the way? Is it...good?

Oh.

The date is finally over and the two head back to the mansion...haha no. This already long date continues with dinner at a fancy restaurant where neither of them so much as touches their food. Ben talks about how his dad almost died from heart problems and how he was able to see the true love between his parents when his mom thought that she might lose her husband forever. I admit it, this part was really touching. But seriously are they still talking about dads?

Lauren: "Our dads should date."
Ben: "I was thinking the same thing oh my god kiss me."

Lauren tells Ben that she wants to meet his family (after all, that is all the two have talked about this entire date), but then realizes that she might be overstepping her bounds as that might be seen as being presumptuous that she'll make it to the final two -- seriously? I cannot imagine a single instance other than on this show where this comment could ever be seen as "arrogant" or anything of the sort. Okay you know what, forget my comments before, this show is so not real that it created it's own universe for itself. It's actually astounding that when watching this show, this ordeal makes perfect sense. Why is Lauren even worried? I estimate that there's around a 95% chance that she will end up meeting his family...we all kind of know that Lauren is going to make it far in this competition.

Does anybody actually disagree? Just look at her!
Cutest living thing to ever exist.

And after a day full of excitement and "full" bellies, the two finally head back to the mansion...and I am once again just kidding because this date simply will not end. Ben takes Lauren to a private concert featuring some artist that nobody has ever heard of, but apparently it's one of Ben's favorites. I'm beginning to think Chris Harrison is dictating Ben's entire life.

Chris: "Ben, we're a little tight on celebrity appearances so
your new favorite artist is Cannibal Corpse."

"I am a pawn."

And finally, honest this time, the eternal date ends, and I am left with a bit of mixing feelings on it. While the date itself was fine (besides completely overstaying its welcome), the conversations were fine, and the two participants appeared to have great chemistry, I couldn't help but feel like it lacked...excitement. Honestly, Ben and Lauren are both really fucking boring and are definitely a perfect match for each other in that department. However, Lauren is living and breathing proof that good people exist in this world and remains one of my favorite contestants. I just hope in the future that their conversations become more interesting...all I'm asking is for maybe one, or even two different speaking topics that don't revolve around their dads.

Ben: "Feel free to call me bach daddy."

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives. Due to there being only one group date this week, nearly every girl goes minus Jojo, Caila, Becca, and Jubilee (and obviously Lauren B.). Jubilee gets upset in the confessional claiming that there is no way that Ben will choose her for the next one-on-one date because she isn't "happy" and "princess-y" like her competition Becca and Jojo (which I think is a roundabout way of claiming that Ben won't pick her because she's black, but that's just my interpretation).

As far as I know, this is actually record for The Bachelor. Amber sucks.

To anyone that wants a refresher/doesn't remember all of the girls, this group date contains: Amanda, Amber, Emily, Haley, Jami, Jennifer, Lace, Lauren H., Leah, Olivia, Rachel, and Shushanna. The large posse is taken to a soccer stadium where they meet up with Ben, Chris Harrison, and two professional soccer players from the U.S. team. Olivia comments that Ben looks sooo hot in his...track pants and...t-shirt...

He is literally wearing the most standard outfit possible.
These girls are really easy to please.

"Watch me get laid for simply existing."

The girls are split up into two teams of six and are to compete in a soccer game, with the winning team getting to spend time with Ben afterwards while the losing team has to go back to the mansion immediately. The two pro players ask the girls if any of them have ever played soccer before...and shocker, none of them have. So in order to "prepare" them, both pros take a team and teach them the basics, such as hitting the ball with their boobs.

That ball got serious distance though.

The teams are known as the stripes and the stars, and are as follows:

Stripes = Amber, Haley, Jami, Lace, Leah, Olivia

Stars = Amanda, Emily, Jennifer, Lauren H., Rachel, Shushanna

They look ready.

Really Amber? The ball was nowhere near you!

This group date completely tops the ones in the previous episode. It's competitive, fun to watch, and it's clear that the contestants are having a good time...as well as Ben who is gracefully galloping up and down the field laughing like a madman. His lunacy in this game makes it very hard to pin down his personality, because in all other instances he's more reserved and relaxed, while here he is full of life and charisma.

"You could almost say that he has TWIN personalities!"

Watching the girls play soccer is hilarious to boot. Lace is chosen as the stripes' team goalie, a decision which I'm sure everyone questioned, but she does a very good job...minus the first shot she let in, claiming that she wasn't aware that she could use her hands. Whoa, hold the phone! Lace, along with the rest of the girls, made it clear that they had zero experience with soccer. So what occurred a few minutes prior to them starting the game? The two pros did some lessons to teach the girls how to play. Why was Lace not told that she was allowed to use her hands as the goalie? The producers tried to make it look like this was Lace's fault, when in reality it's the coach's folly. That's the most important part of playing goalie, how did that important bit of information get left out!? I'm tired of Lace getting the butt end of the deal here.

LEAVE LACE ALONE.

The stars' team goalie is Emily, who wins M.V.P. for her amazing saves, especially when she dove and let the ball bounce off of her face. It should be noted that Emily and Haley are on different teams and it's clear the producers are trying to force a rift in their extremely tight relationship, but the two embraced the competition and called it a "twin off". Lauren H. also comments how she isn't very good at "ball handling" and then snickers to herself at how dirty that sounds; her comments are always so on point.

Look at that head rebound.

In an event that nobody saw coming, the score ends up tied, meaning the next goal wins. Rachel severely hurts her leg (later it's shown that she can't even walk), but decides to play anyway. Olivia makes it clear to us viewers that she is going to "use that to her advantage", and who can blame her? Is this supposed to make her sound evil? Sigh. Amber scores the final point after Olivia does all of the work getting the ball down the field, but everyone only congratulates Amber...whatever. The stripes win!

YOU CAN'T OUTPACE THE LACE

The stars team is then sent back to the mansion in defeat and shame. Shushanna helps a wounded Rachel by assisting her to walk and later straight up carrying her all the way back to the mansion, which puts my favorite contestant this season in a great light. Sadly nobody on the show seems to take note of this good deed, but us viewers saw it and that's what matters...right?

The Bachelor Integrity: Do you do the right thing when Ben isn't watching?

Just looking at this picture relaxes me holy shit I love you Shushanna.

Pause for a second: there's something really bothering me right now. During the live after show following the first episode, Chris Harrison reveals that he is able to tell the twins apart because one of them eventually breaks their thumb while on a soccer date (at the time, the episode when this date would happen was not revealed). I forget which one allegedly beaks their thumb, but I guess it doesn't matter because it didn't happen to either of them! You'd think something like that would be shown if it did actually happen, considering Rachel's injuries were made front and center. Was that a fib?! Excuse me for wanting to see some carnage on this show!

I guess I'll just have to wait for The Bachelorette for that.

The "after date get together" with the winning stripes team is rushed faster than Sonic '06 for reasons unknown.

I wonder where all that runtime went.

Olivia immediately takes Ben away first, which nobody should be surprised about...but for some reason all of the girls are. She takes him to a hotel room balcony overlooking the other girls...I wasn't aware people were just allowed to go into hotel rooms whenever they wanted without paying. I have never been to or heard of a hotel that is okay with this. Olivia then calls out to the rest of the girls antagonistically and they get offended.

I hate to use this gif twice in the same recap but it's applicable everywhere.

Okay, yeah, Olivia is being kind of a dick, but I am about to introduce the most conniving and backstabbing contestant so far this season: Jami. This is the first episode where she gets more than one minute of screen time...and maybe there was a reason for that. While Olivia is away, Haley, Amber, AND Jami start picking apart Olivia's entire body, notably commenting that she has bad breath and crooked toes. Let me make it clear that Jami was a part of this nonsense. And what does Jami do immediately once Olivia comes back? She tells her that the other girls were making fun of her and acts as if she wasn't involved.

Jami
...
Get it? That's Two-Face...come on I'm trying my best here.

Olivia reveals that she has a bad self-body image, explicitly stating that she feels her entire lower body is "horrible". However, she then utters the most powerful line of the episode: "Perfection is so lame." Everyone needs to live and breathe that statement; she is right. This puts Olivia in a completely different light: despite her being sort of instigatory at times, it may come from the fact that she has a completely different personality than the other girls, and it can easily be seen why she clashes with them so often. Olivia is very competitive and doesn't let anything get in the way of her succeeding her goals -- just look at her success with her career! I honestly applaud her skills and do not want her to change despite not personally liking some of her choices regarding how she treats the other girls. She appears to have found inner happiness with who she is and nobody should be told that isn't okay.

"Except for Ben, he's the most perfect man ever with his t-shirt and track pants!"

Sadly, Olivia's conversation with Ben doesn't go as smoothly as it has in the past few episodes. She tells Ben that she knows that he can't always give her a rose, but knows that their connection will still be there regardless. Is there anything wrong with saying that? The show makes it appear that Ben is unhappy when she's telling him this, but this is exactly what I would think the bachelor would want to hear. This raises the question of what exactly does Ben want to hear?

"More about your dad, please."

The rest of the girls get conversations that last for about two seconds of screen time each. Amber gets a meaty four seconds in order to show her throwing herself at Ben and then receiving the group date rose much to Olivia's dismay. Lace, finally making an appearance this episode, is worried that her connection with Ben is waning after an awkward conversation. Olivia, on the other hand, uses confessionals to talk about how she is able to read Ben's alleged hidden "signals" that he is into her, including the scandalous actions of squeezing her hand when they are holding hands as well as using her knee to help himself up from the couch they were sitting on...even though he also used Amber's knee at the same time. I don't know if these are figments of her imagination or not.

"Ben blinked at me so I'm basically Olivia Higgins now kthxbye."

It is at this time that I want to point out some Lace observations. For the first time this season, Lace is not a center point of the episode, which means we get to see a more realistic view of her interactions with the other girls rather than a heavily edited out of context series of Lace confessionals, many of which were of her when she was extremely drunk (which is not a justification but rather an observation). This date shows Lace getting along with the other girls well, having a fun time playing soccer (and being surprisingly good at it), and lastly staying out of the drama with the girls making fun of Olivia behind her back.

"Please, do go on."

To anyone that read my recap of the previous episode, I stated that it's clear that Lace is not comfortable with herself, but all I see in this episode is Lace succeeding by being who she is, and hopefully she can watch these episodes through to the end and realize this as well. I would love to continue analyzing the most dynamic character on this season of The Bachelor, but there's still another one-on-one date to cover!

For now, just keep on kickin' it Lace!

To reiterate from earlier in this marathon of a recap, Becca, Jojo, Caila, and Jubilee are the only ones who have not been on a date this episode, meaning one of them will get the last remaining one-on-one date (Caila is obviously out of the running though). Jubilee continues upon what she was saying earlier about how she has zero chance of getting the date and how Ben doesn't like people like her. The date card arrives and the girls are all shocked when Jubilee ends up getting the date after all! What a surprise, if only the "what's coming up next" previews before each commercial break didn't spoil it prior. Is there a single person out there that likes the previews? Seriously what's the point of them?

"Simple: run time."

Up to this point in the season, Jubilee hasn't gotten too much screen time, but the other girls start revealing that they don't like her very much. Apparently she wasn't "enthusiastic" enough about getting the date card...and were offended about Jubilee claiming that she didn't think Ben liked girls like her...in conclusion, these girls crave drama. This show basically writes itself when you think about it. The producers just plop a bunch of girls in a house and film the results. Getting the guy involved is just icing on the cake. Unlike The Bachelorette, the girls don't just "bro out" and support each other like the guy contestants do, but rather do whatever they can to bring one another down. Jubilee is the first true victim of the group's wrath this season.

"I filter feed off drama."

The entire group of girls gathers around as they wait for Ben to take Jubilee away on their date. Shushanna makes an adorable and sincere comment about how Jubilee is going to have a great time, but Jubilee puts up a stoic front, seeming disinterested and commenting that Ben is twenty minutes late. I didn't realize the date card had a time, Jubilee. The girls all claim that Jubilee is being ungrateful and bitchy, but as usual this isn't fair -- in real life, the average person would expect their date to be punctual. Also, it's clear that unlike the other contestants, Jubilee doesn't see Ben as some kind of deity that can do no wrong, but rather as a normal (boring) guy that she is possibly interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with, but needs more time to see if the connection is there. That is real life: go Jubilee!

Jubilee = Too good for this show

But in all fairness Ben somehow gets a helicopter to land right in front of the mansion, so his lateness is excusable. To anyone paying attention, the helicopter's chopper is cutting the leaves off the trees around the place and blowing them everywhere -- I'm sure that was fun to be outside in. Ben asks Jubilee if she is excited, and Jubilee says "eh, kind of" and makes him aware of how unpunctual he is. The other girls scoff in disgust at Jubilee's "selfishness" as they all go outside to check out the helicopter. It turns out, like every other contestant on this show ever, Jubilee has a fear of heights and is hesitant to get in. She then turns to the group of girls asks if anybody else would like to take her date. She was clearly joking, but the other girls bitch anyway about how "offensive" her comment was and how they hope her date with Ben goes poorly -- Jami and Amber in particular are leading these attacks. Notice a pattern here? Jami and Amber are talking bad about Jubilee...and just before they were talking bad about Olivia...hmmm...

Assholes.

Alright, so Ben and Jubilee fly away in the helicopter and Jubilee is acting awkward the entire flight. Eventually they land at some kind of resort where the two find a buffet of treats, and neither of them recognize what any of it is. Ben convinces Jubilee to eat one of the unknown desserts, and Jubilee spits it out shortly after, claiming she just "can't". I really like that this girl doesn't "fake" anything to please others, but this was just impolite and kind of gross. She could have simply taken a bite, swallowed it using her army strength, and then let Ben know that she did not care for the taste. Manners are sexy, ladies!

I don't know why this makes me laugh so much.

It is evident at this point that the date isn't exactly going too well, but that changes once the two go to play...shuffleboard? I think? I'm too young to know what game it is I guess. Jubilee creates some high stakes -- loser has to kiss the winner -- and then makes a joke that involves calling Ben "white boy". Ben politely chuckles and Jubilee goes completely apeshit that he laughed at one of her jokes. She reveals that she is scared to be herself because people get turned off by her and don't get her sense of humor, and Ben laughing at her joke made her feel so much better and more confident. This in turn allowed Jubilee to open up and thankfully stop the awkwardness on this date. Oh and she reveals that she's in love with hot dogs...make of that what you will.

Ben: "Can I please say it? Just once?"
Jubilee: "Fine..."
Ben: "You my shawty Jubilee."

The two go take a dip in a hot tub...wow this date is similar to Lauren B.'s. The hot tub actually connects to a large pool that looks majestic and I want to go there. The two share some kisses and then decide to head off to dinner...these dates never fucking end.

"We weren't even kidding earlier, these truly are TWIN one-on-one dates!"

Get ready to feel. Jubilee reveals that she feels unlovable, and before anyone says "uh she's just saying that because Ben said it", it can be seen on her face that she truly means it. Last episode, she told Ben how she was adopted from Haiti, so Ben makes the wise decision to ask her if she's ever gone back there to see her real parents and such. Jubilee reveals that...her entire family is dead...and she is the last surviving member of her bloodline...

"Kind of puts a lot of pressure on me...aha...erm."

The date ends with Jubilee getting a well deserved rose and audiences everywhere shedding tears and surely feeling her devastation. I can't imagine being in her shoes and I applaud her for being such a strong person despite all that has happened to her in her life.

She has the real version of the typical superhero's backstory.

Whelp, now it's time for the other girls to treat Jubilee like shit. The cocktail party is an absolute disaster. Ben starts by solemnly walking up to the group of girls and telling them that two people very close to his family just died in a plane crash (was that plane date with Lauren foreshadowing or something?), and that he could really use some support. Olivia immediately snipes him and everyone as usual groans and whines, but...Olivia finally shows her weakness.

Losing!

Olivia appears to lack empathy, and rather than respect Ben's wishes to keep the conversations light and positive in lieu of the tragedy that just occurred, she instead spends the entire time talking about her personal body issues. She tells Ben all about how she despises her cankles and apparently people have made hate-blogs about them. I don't understand how there can be a blog solely about some random girl's cankles, but then again there are multiple twitter accounts for her mouth, so I guess anything is possible. Ben comments that this is not what he wants to talk about and for the first time we start to see the front runner fall down a peg.

Today I Learned: The word "cankle" comes from combining "calf" and "ankle".

Amanda pulls Ben aside next and is extremely gentle and supportive. She's very sincere and speaks in the perfect tone and volume in order to cheer him up -- her kids back at home are lucky to have this kind of support in their lives (I just hate the fact that she has to be away from them).

"I am sympathy."

Jubilee, meanwhile, is sitting off by herself, trying to figure out what she can do for Ben to make him feel better. The other girls, as usual, make it known that they are still offended by the comments Jubilee made before her date, as well as her being distant and wanting to be away from the other girls at the moment. Keep in mind that Jubilee just shared with Ben that her entire family is dead, which I can imagine was very hard to tell Ben considering she's only known him for a few weeks and knows that it could potentially scare him away; it's completely understandable that Jubilee would want to take some time to herself. These girls need to mind their own fucking business. Amber and Jami lead a "parade" of the girls in an attempt to tell off Jubilee. Other girls show up to support them here or there, but it's mostly unclear as to who though because the editing sucks and you can never tell where the girls are relative to each other nor if what's being said is in the moment or out of context from a confessional. Like I said earlier, I ended up watching this episode twice, and I still am unsure how involved contestants such as Jojo and Leah were with this mess. The editors need to get it together.

A rare picture of The Bachelor's editors hard at work.

Pulling an Olivia from the last episode, Jubilee steals Ben away next despite already having a rose, which the other girls flip out about. While I understand why the rest of the group gets upset over this (since many of them haven't had much or any time with Ben this week), it's something that they are going to have to get used to because it happens every episode. Many of the girls spy on Jubilee as she gives Ben a very relaxing massage. To all the girls out there: a massage is the number one way to a man's heart. Any girl willing to put their time and energy into giving someone the gift of pure ecstasy while getting nothing in return is an absolute gem. Anyway, the girls are all pissed off, so Jami, who else, decides that she is going to "break this up". Jami storms down to where the massage is taking place and asks for Ben, to which Jubilee nicely hands him over. Ben clearly does not want to go with Jami but reluctantly does so anyway.

"I am drama."

Then, uh, Ben is somehow not present for the next part of this very dramatic cocktail party. I still don't get it, if the girls want time with Ben, they should probably hang around where Ben is rather than all grouping up in an area on the opposite side of the house. Whatever. Jubilee decides to once again take some time to herself -- she is fully aware of how Jami is treating her I should add -- but before she can even sit down, she is rudely confronted by the merciless Lauren B. who cusses her out and slams her head into the table.

"Take that you fucking orphan bitch."

Back to reality, it's actually Jami who confronts her, calls her "Jubes" (which sounds weird to me...I keep think of the word "pubes"), and demands that she participate in a "girl chat", which just so happens to involve the group of girls that were being hateful towards Jubilee this entire episode. Jubilee refuses and tries walking away from the drama but Jami persistently follows her and asks over and over again for her to come join the group of girls . Jami then heads back to her followers saying that Jubilee is refusing to participate. The entire entourage decides to get up to go follow Jubilee in an attempt to force her to talk to them. This is just painful to watch; it's fucking harassment. Caila and Rachel comment from the side that this plan to attack Jubilee is mean spirited and awful and I wholeheartedly agree...I kind of wish they would do something about it though rather than just stand there and watch. How does Jami possibly rationalize what she's doing? Jubilee is basically giving her a "I won't kill you today" pass -- just take it and move on Jami!

This is the WRONG person to mess with.

Jubilee keeps trying to evade the evil group of girls, and with no escape in sight, resorts to locking herself in a bathroom and crying her eyes out. Jami tries to get into the bathroom and seriously can't figure out why Jubilee is upset and won't let her in. Eventually Ben hears Jubilee sobbing and heads up to see what is wrong. Amber continues on what Jami started by sneaking her way into the bathroom behind Ben and starts telling Jubilee that her comments were very "offensive"...and she looks like biggest bitch ever. Die Amber.

Jubilee is trying so hard not to rip apart this girl limb from limb.

Ben thankfully sees Amber, who is thirty I should add, acting like a middle schooler, and it can be assumed that Jubilee told him about how mean Jami has been being as well. The rest of the night goes by with many girls not getting any time with Ben. Lace makes a note that she is definitely going home, but it's different than the way she said it last episode -- this time it comes across as "I'm going home because the connection is not there" -- and it upsets her deeply. Ben finally comes out of the bathroom and plops down on the couch between the rest of the group and lets out a deep sigh. I hope he enjoyed that one second break because Lace immediately stands up and asks to speak to him outside.

"Come with me Ben I have to go be a hero."

Lace tells Ben that she is aware that the connection simply is not there, and that she needs to love herself before she can love someone else. She remarks that she needs to take time to work on herself, but she is grateful for her experience on the show and hopes for nothing but the best for him. Clearly heartbroken by our hero's departure, Ben gives her a meaningful hug and sees her off, and viewers everywhere shed a tear. I wish the best for Lace, I honestly do. My last recap touched upon Lace's evident self-loathing, but never in a million years did I think she was going to take a stand for herself and grab life by the balls.

That's our girl!

Whew, what an episode. Rose ceremony time! With two girls going home, there are a couple of possible choices that stand out: Jami, Olivia, Amber...unfortunately Amber already has a rose, but I guarantee that Ben would've sent her home had she not had one (I know, I know, he is able take the rose away, there are no rules after all, but he didn't so clearly someone told him that he had to let her stay). With all that in mind, Jami thankfully gets sent home, along with...Shushanna. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK.

I AM FUMING.

I should also note that Olivia receives the last rose, which probably made her squirm a bit. Lauren H. gets the first rose if that means anything...I don't think it does, I just found it weird since she didn't talk to Ben this episode. I'm currently devastated that my two favorite contestants, Lace and Shushanna, are now gone.

AGH WHY -- FUCK BEN, FUCK THIS SEASON,
FUCK CHRIS HARRISON, FUCK THE BACHELOR,
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FUCK AMBER.
I'M DONE WITH THIS SHOW, GOOD RIDDANCE,
I'M NOT WATCHING ANOTHER FUCKING EPISODE.
...
See you next week.

Goodbyes

Jami

I'm glad to see that Ben has enough sense in him to send the toxic Amber2.0 home. Too bad Amber couldn't have been sent home with her, but I'm thankful that at least this bully is eliminated. I guess both Amber and Jami being eliminated in one night would've looked sort of racist, huh? I mean Ben could send home Lauren B. and those SJWs would still be like "sigh of course Ben is eliminating Lauren B. in an attempt to cover the fact that he is secretly racist" so does it really matter?

The worst though is when she was walking out after being eliminated, she starts asking why guys don't like her and claims she is going to adopt a lot of cats. In general, guys don't like conniving backstabbers, bullies, or bitches (the three B's), which Jami is all three of -- I hope that answers her question. I also do not want Jami adopting cats because she doesn't deserve their unconditional love.

Lace

What? Lace is evolving...

...into CHARIZARD.

With the sudden realization that she needs to make a change in her life, Lace evolves into one of the most popular and influential contestants. It's hard to realize that a change needs to be made; sadly it's even harder to make the change, but I believe in Lace, and I have faith that she will achieve happiness with herself. Despite giving Chris Harrison a "maybe" on the live after show, I have a strong feeling that she will appear on Bachelor in Paradise, and I hope there we can see her progress. 

I am upset that Lace is no longer going to be on the show though, but her departure was much better than anything I could have hoped for. Goodbye Lace. I hope that one day I will be able to do what you did.

Also never forget that Lace was the sole reason episodes one and two were so entertaining. Scratch that, she IS episodes one and two.

Don't let us down Lace!

I support this.

Shushanna

Does anyone understand this at all? After being shown carrying Rachel back to the mansion as well helping cheer Ben up by having him yell at the sky (shown in the live after show), I am really unsure as to why she got sent home. She's clearly a sweet girl and her accent is adorable as well. Amber should have went home. Fuuuucking Amber.

ya vyydu za tebya zamuzh!

Rankings
(Based on who I like, not who I think will win)
(In order this time!)

Low

Amber

Somehow my least favorite contestant gets even more insufferable. Not only is she boring as shit, but she's also still mentally in middle school -- at THIRTY years old. She straight up bullied Jubilee the entire cocktail party and deserved to be sent home. At least she actually talked to Ben this episode instead of complaining about not getting enough time and then making no effort anyway, but still she sucks and I want her gone. Yes I'm butthurt about Shushanna leaving but I really hate Amber, I hope Jubilee beats the crap out of her. What is going through Amber's mind that makes her think it's a good idea to pick on somebody that was in the army? Jubilee could easily whoop her ass but chose not to because she's a good person...but I mean if this keeps up please let Jubilee straight up murder her.

Haley

We finally get an episode where the twins are separated and can be seen as their own individual people! Yay! Unfortunately, Haley was joining Jami and Amber in making fun of Olivia's body parts which I cannot possibly support. She broke girl code.

Mid

Olivia

Olivia...is interesting. I can't justify putting her in the low section, mostly because her personality clashing with others is not really her fault, as I mentioned in the recap. She's a very competitive girl and appears to really like Ben; is that so bad? The only reason she's so far down is because I still don't like her antagonistic comments and actions in order to get a rise out of the other girls -- it's still uncalled for. Her lack of empathy toward Ben's depressing situation by using their conversation time to talk about herself was also an odd choice -- while I have no problem with her sharing her ankle insecurities with Ben, maybe that night wasn't the best night for that...she needs to make better choices and work on her people skills. Ben still clearly has strong feelings for her, and one blundered week isn't (shouldn't be) enough to immediately discount her from the running. She just needs to shape up a bit!

Leah

I have no problem with her and the more I see her, the more pretty she gets; she just hasn't really been in any of the episodes. At this point, I like the rest of the contestants, so Leah is only down here because I know nothing about her. She also twerked during her casting interview -- I will never let her live that down!

Lauren H.

I love her witty one liners and her ZINGERS but she wasn't really in this episode, which was disappointing. I want her to be more than just comedic relief! She got called first in the rose ceremony so there is a chance that she will be featured more next episode.

Joelle "Jojo"

Honestly, I really like Jojo's personality, but in this episode she seemed to get swept up a bit in the drama. I'm giving her a small pass because it's unclear if she played a major part in Jubilee's bullying by accompanying Amber and Jami or simply was just complaining in confessionals. She was my favorite the previous two episodes, so hopefully this potential bad side of her was just a one time thing. Also I understand it was a hard week for her -- she didn't get a date nor did she get to talk to Ben at the cocktail party -- but it's still no excuse for potential bullying.

Rachel

I can always appreciate the nobility of continuing to support a team despite being injured. She's also cute and adorable, and I'm glad she got some screen time this episode. Her face when Shushanna was sent home was absolutely devastating, as I imagine it would be considering Shushanna carried her back to the mansion when she was in pain and couldn't walk. I think she has a chance of pulling a Becca and becoming a frontrunner mid-season. A dark horse if you will.

Emily

Just like Rachel, I always support a true team player. Her effort when playing soccer is something that all people should try to emulate, and she shined far over her twin this week.


High

Becca

While Becca wasn't really in this episode, a clip is played in the live after show Ben and Becca talking (with Lace spying on them lolol) and they seem to have an intimate conversation (and kiss!!!). Becca, like the other top girls, stayed out of all the drama, so kudos to her! Also it's impossible not to love her.

Jennifer

While she wasn't really in this episode, she is another one of my favorites from the previous two episodes and she stayed out of the drama, which earns her a high spot on my list. I hope she gets a one-on-one soon.

Lauren B.

She's beautiful, sweet, genuine, sincere, realistic and...boring. And to be honest, Ben is boring too, so they form a perfect match. Being boring isn't necessarily a bad thing in my eyes: I'm using it more to describe them rather than insult them if that makes sense...I don't know. Trust me though I like this girl.

Jubilee

My respect for Jubilee went up tenfold, and she's now defined in my mind as strong and determined, which are two amazing qualities. She also had a great date with Ben and was able to pull herself together in order to make that happen, which is another plus. Giving a massage to Ben (the ultimate act of selflessness) is just icing on the cake.

Caila

While she was already a favorite of mine last episode, this episode furthered that. Her intense emotional break down at the beginning of the episode, as I mentioned in the recap, is very telling to the kind of person Caila is. She was able to healthily let out her feelings without insulting anybody or causing any drama, and it's clear what a passionate person she is. Also, later on at the cocktail party, Caila commented that what the girls were doing to Jubilee was wrong, which I appreciated (I still wish she would have done something about it though...). The recognition between right and wrong is more than anybody else did though, which is important to note. She's also just plain charismatic and hopefully Ben doesn't accidentally let her fade into obscurity due to needing to give a bunch of other girls one-on-ones.

Amanda

I know she wasn't featured too heavily in this episode, but the previous episodes as well as her brief appearance in this one earns her the number one spot. She is just so sincere and kind, which is so rare in the world today, and genuinely wants to help people. The way she was talking to Ben at the cocktail party after finding out about his recent tragedy was so supportive; she truly cares about Ben and wanted nothing other than for him to feel better. She also tells him that if he ever needs anything that he can always talk to her. I know to most people that sounds "so fake omg everyone says that" but it's the way she says it -- her tone, volume, and compassion -- that makes it sound so real. I hope she gets the one-on-one date next episode.


Conclusion

Lace and Shushanna are gone so I'm a little depressed, but this episode really brought the character out of a few contestants and let loose some hardcore feels, which made it the strongest one of the season so far. Plus the soccer date was hilarious. I wish the editors and sound designers would stop fucking around and make these episodes more cohesive and audible...seriously sometimes I cannot follow what is going on when a group of girls talk...I'm sure it's done on purpose though but whatever.

Bye Lace. :(

Olivia looks high af though.

Lastly, I need to let something out. In the pervious episode, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart were brought on the show to plug their new movie, Ride Along 2 (and I guess take Ben and Caila out on a date...). The Bachelor has obviously done this before, with last season's Cinderella date/advertisement being the most recent example. As long as I am entertained, I have no problem with these "datevertisements" (I'm adding this to urban dictionary btw). Ice Cube and Kevin Hart proved to be very capable of this demand and were able to fulfill it by just being themselves; Kevin Hart especially is so charismatic and his energy practically demands that he be the center of attention. With all that aside, Ride Along 2 was awful -- like really, really bad. The only reason I went to see it was because Kevin Hart was so absolutely hilarious on The Bachelor, and I was excited to hopefully see that for the duration of an entire movie. That is NOT what happened. Honestly, their short inclusion on the last episode was funnier than anything the movie had to offer. To the next people that cast these two in future productions: just let them be themselves! They basically write the script for you! I could easily dissect Ride Along 2 for another fifteen paragraphs, but this is a recap of The Bachelor, so I'll leave it at this. To anybody that plans on seeing Ride Along 2: don't. They should have called it Ride Along Too by the way.