Introduction
Here we go! The Bachelor Season 20 is just one week away...and for some reason this excites me more than anything else going on right now. This is basically going to be the most judgemental blog post possible because I know nothing about these people other than what is spoonfed to me in their bios as well as pictures I can find around the internet. To be honest though every single post about this show will be extremely judgemental because "Reality TV" isn't real and I am completely aware that I am only seeing what the producers want me to see. But oh well, this show is hilarious as well as heartfelt sometimes...and most of all dramatic, and that's what we all watch it for.
Introducing our bachelor:
Ben Higgins
I really liked Ben on The Bachelorette, he seemed like the best pick of the bunch -- he was nice, genuine, and kept away from all of the drama...which is why he didn't win. Anyway, he's 26 and from Indiana and apparently he's 6'4" which I never noticed. He works as a software salesman, which is really exciting. Hopefully he's more interesting than Chris Soules (is it possible to be less interesting though?).
And now for the best part: the women. I will dissect their bios and pass judgement with the little information I know because I am a bad person.
Amanda
Beautiful? Check. Seriously something about this girl really does it for me. She just seems "naturally pretty" if that makes sense.
Q: What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
A: I hiked 12 miles to a waterfall in Kauai during a thunderstorm.Off to a good start -- that's actually impressive. Usually the girls put things like "Oh em gee when I was 19 I drank a wine -- without my parents knowing!!! xoxo" (translation: I'm still mentally in high school). Glad to know that Amanda actually does things.
Q: What is your greatest achievement to date?
A: My two daughters. They’re the most amazing little humans. I am amazed by them every day.There's always a mother on every season...aka someone that leaves their children for a few months to go chase after a man they have never met. I hate to do this to the first girl, but already I'm questioning why people like her sign up for this show. WHY would anyone leave their kids for this show. She is not getting paid to be on the show and she cannot get paid while on the show since she cannot work (she's an esthetician which is some kind of cosmetic job, which is sadly probably better than 99% of the other contestants), which means supporting her kids during this time is resting fully on her family whom SHOULD have knocked some sense into her in the first place. I have nothing against mothers by the way and I don't want this to sound like I do, but seriously, someone as pretty as Amanda should be able to find a guy without having to resort to this.
But wow Amanda looks great even after having two kids. Good for her.
Also...
Q: Do you have fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it?
A: Yes, I use an anti-aging skincare line, always wear sunscreen and get botox.Wow this question wasn't extremely specific to this one person only. Botox!?!? Amanda is 25 everyone...
Only 27 more girls to go...
Amber
She was boring on The Bachelor last season, she was boring on Bachelor in Paradise, and I bet she's going to be boring again this season. Her bio is boring. Her instagram is boring. No way she wins. No way she makes it past week 3. Why, just why is she coming back again? Did they need to fill the minority quota that bad?
She is just soooo boring. They should call her Ambore...or Ambarassing because she's going on this show for the third time. I should start making up puns for all of their names. For example, Amanda can be...Amomda because she's a mom! GET IT!? Can't stop now! And this is why I have no friends in real life okay kill me.
Becca
And just like Amber, Becca returns! Everyone loves Becca. Something about her is just so sweet and realistic. Emphasis on realistic. She basically won her season, but came in second because she was not ready to marry Chris Soules after only knowing him for 10 weeks but still was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, which is how real life works. Go Becca! She also refused to have sex with Chris in the fantasy suite because she was not ready to lose her virginity yet. Becca is real life on a show that isn't, which is why she should RUN. FAR. Get out of here.
Becca is really tan.
Q: What is your greatest achievement to date?
A: Staying and living alone in California when my sister and brother-in-law went back home to Louisiana.Her greatest achievement is moving out, which is fine but it's also something that everyone does. This is Amber level of boring.
Q: What's your most embarrassing moment?
A: I have several -- once I was getting gas and the guy asked, "What kind of gas do you like?" and I thought he asked "What kind of guys do you like?" I responded, "Tall, dark, and handsome." He just stared at me and repeated the question.Look at me pay attention to me I'm so awkward this never fucking happened.
Who asks "what kind of gas do you like?" anyway? Or am I missing something? It should be more like "what kind of gas does your car need" IF this conversation actually happened. I somehow doubt Becca owns a car that needs leaded gas. I somehow doubt this conversation actually happened.
Becca is the kind of girl that...shouldn't do a bio.
Name pun: Beccanttouchme [because virgin haha omg so funny must do more]
Breanne
Q: What is your favorite all-time book and why?
A: Why Men Love Bitches. I know the title is hilarious, but it’s all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.Boy are you on the wrong show.
Fun Fact: RealitySteve says that she has been previously married twice.
She doesn't really stand out to me at all.
Name Pun: Breanneedstogoonadifferenshow
Caila
She is really cute and has a great smile.
And this...
Occupation: Software Sales Rep.HER AND BEN HAVE THE SAME JOB. They can totally bond over what software they've sold and maybe she can turn him into a HARDware salesman. I am just killing these puns today.
Q: What is your favorite television show and why?
A: Game of Thrones! Because I’m a closet nerd that loves the deep plot and sexy tension.Wow Caila that is super fucking specific. It's actually impressive how smart you sound despite being asked such a simple question. Watch this girl, I bet she goes far.
Q: I hate it when my date…
A: Curses… picks their nose/overly wipes their nose… breathes heavily… is too protective too soon….gets so cheesy that it seems fake, like, “Here is a leaf on a bush we passed on our first date because I’m a romantic guy.”Ben: "Caila *deep breath out* *wipes snot of nose due to cold from kissing so many girls in one night*, will you accept this rose [as a symbol of our love]?"
Caila: "Jesus Christ."
Q: Do you plan on having kids someday? If yes, how many and why?
A: Yes!!! I would love to have 3 kids, because that’s the perfect amount to fit in a 5-seater car for traveling.She clearly does not know the pain of driving with three kids all squished next to each other constantly crying, teasing, whining, and worst of all there will most likely be a time when all three kids need booster seats -- she has no idea how awful this will be.
Name Pun: Carela [because she cares too much about what her dates shouldn't do]
That was...not one of my best ones. I'm going to stop now.
Emily
Occupation: TwinO-Okay.
Yes, for the first time (as far as I know), twins are on the show simultaneously! If they do not end up getting the two-on-one date it will be a missed opportunity. If they end up the final two, that would just be amazing. "Ben, which one of us did you like sleeping with better?" They both look like aliens to me for some reason. Very pretty aliens though. Anyway, I think it's important that twins differentiate themselves, and I would appreciate if everyone else does the same and treats them like two separate people.
Q: What’s your most embarrassing moment?
A: Peeing my pants in front of my whole high school cheer team from laughing so hard!She's definitely going to be an interesting one on the show...
Q: Describe your idea of the ultimate date.
A: The ultimate date for me would be something simple. Like laying somewhere looking at the stars and having great conversations and laughing.This actually sounds great. The twins are young (22) and sadly I don't see them winning, but so far Emily comes off as a nice person and they are prime Bachelor In Paradise contestants.
Haley
I mean seriously, don't get me wrong, the twins are very pretty, but doesn't anyone else feel like they aren't...quite 100% human?
Q: What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
A: Working in a nightclub! Only because I don’t drink or party.She's a 22 year old living in Las Vegas and does not drink. Either she's fibbing or she's serious, but both of those get an eyebrow raise. Also why does she list her occupation as twin if she at the very least has a job? I know it's "funny" but it's going to show up EVERY SINGLE TIME she talks on the show. Does she really want that?
Anyway here is a couple of pictures of the twins together. They definitely complement one another.
Isabel "Izzy"
Q: All-Time Favorite Movies:
A: Super Troopers, The Notebook, The Parent TrapSuper Troopers is hilarious, good choice in movies.
Q: What is your all-time favorite book and why?
A: Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.Does this girl...actually have a sense of humor!? Is that allowed on The Bachelor?
Q: If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it?
A: I would probably go right up to him and just be myself. Maybe crack a corny joke, laugh at myself and ask him his name.Be yourself!? Is that allowed on The Bachelor?
Isabel, you are too good for this show, please don't do this to yourself.
Also, her last name is Goodkind, which is cool.
Jackie
Something about her stands out, she's pretty in a different kind of way.
Occupation:GerontologistHey a real career! She's not going to win.
Q: What is your biggest regret to date?
A: I never regret anything.Everyone needs to live by this.
Jami
Looks a lot like Amber to me.
Occupation: BartenderSame career as Amber.
Q:How would you describe yourself as a lover?
A: InexperiencedBecca has some virgin competition I guess.
Becca: "Ben I am the most virginest virgin there is."
Jami: "No Ben I am even more of a virgin, I've never even kissed anyone."
Becca: "I refused sex in the fantasy suite."
Jami: "At least somebody wanted to have sex with you."
Becca: "It was Chris Soules though."
Jami: "Oh yeah okay fine you win."
Q: What is your all-time favorite book and why?
A: Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. It’s a play, but it taught me a lot about how much one action can affect so many people.That doesn't have anything to do with that play...
Q: Do you have a fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it?
A: Nope. I think wrinkles just show how much you’ve lived.Okay I was wrong, somebody else other than Amanda received this question. Wait Jami you don't get botox at 23? Shame.
Jennifer
This girl is gorgeous.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one and why?
A: Dolphin! They are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!I'm pretty sure this is wrong, what about Chimpanzees and the like? Doesn't really matter though, I like the answer. Girls that are honest like this and don't try to be all "deep and interesting" always come across more deep and interesting.
Q: Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order?
A: Amy Schumer, Eckhart Tolle and Eric Decker :) I’d probably be too nervous to eat… I’ll have what they’re having!!!Of all people, Eric Decker? (I had to google him: wide receiver for the Jets)
I see her going far.
Jessica
Her eyes kind of creep me out.
Nothing really remarkable in her bio. She's an accountant and passed her CPA exam so she's actually going places with her life, so she won't win. Hopefully her eyes just look weird in pictures and not in real life. None of this is real life though.
Joelle "Jojo"
Stunning.
Occupation: Real Estate DeveloperA good career!!!
Q: How good of a cook are you?
A: Average – I can kill a quesadilla though.Message to ladies everywhere: all guys want are quesadillas, frozen pizzas, and grilled cheese. Jojo is one step ahead.
I really like Jojo. She seems to be "all there" and her bio is normal enough.
Q: If you could be any kind of fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?
A: Tomato so that way I can be considered both.Clever. Good answer to a really stupid question.
Jubilee
Occupation: War VeteranWell that's new. Very welcoming to see, I hope one of the girls tries to mess with her and she just straight up destroys them.
Favorite Music: Country (Don’t judge me, LOL!) and R&BLiterally every other girl said their favorite music was country so why would anybody "judge you". I'm judging you for saying "don't judge me".
Q: Will you go on roller coasters or other rides?
A: If Ben kisses me first, I will consider risking my life :)What a weird question.
What a weird name. Jubilee
She's probably going to be everyone's favorite because she's a war veteran but to be honest, I don't see her winning. I see her causing drama and only talking about being a war veteran and thinking that she's better than the other girls because she's a war veteran and...yeah. Prove me wrong Jubilee.
Lace
She has really nice eyebrows and facial features.
Lace is a...name.
Q: What is your most embarrassing moment?
A: When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn't even talk we were laughing so hard!So you didn't flush, okay Lace. That's great but I have another important question. Usually when one is finished pooping, they use toilet paper to clean themselves which is then also placed in the toilet and naturally covers the poop. Do you wipe, Lace?
Q: What's your worst date memory?
A: Leaving on the spot because he was too into himself.You say this, but right before it...
Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
A: Honestly? No one. I'd just be me -- but richer! :)I have absolutely no problem with self confidence, it's just something to think about.
I do have a problem with people not using a toilet correctly and especially people that potentially do not wipe.
Lace is weird.
Laura
Laura is very, very pale.
She should talk to Becca about tanning strategies.
Q:What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?
A: White chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Whole. ;)What even.
Lauren "LB"
You want to know why she goes by "LB"? Because there are, get ready, FOUR girls named Lauren on this season (and one named Laura...). That's amazing. But guess what! There is already a "Lauren B.", so this girl now gets to be called "LB". That's amazing.
Q: What is your most embarrassing moment?
A: Seeing a doctor for constipation in Germany. My ex had to translate every detail!That's...actually funny.
Q: What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
A: Join a sorority - so not me!That's...really stupid.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one and why?
A: Dolphin; I love to swim and make people happy!And have sex for pleasure cough cough get on Jennifer's level.
Q: I hate when my date:
A: Doesn't pick up the bill, is on his phone, looks at other people.Looking at other people?! Really?!
Lauren B.
She glows, I can't explain it. Simplicity = golden. Gorgeous.
Q: What is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
A: Probably this.That was funny. ALMOST as good as my name puns.
Q: What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?
A: Brunch with mimosasMine is "White chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Whole."
Q: How would you describe yourself as a lover?
A: I love love. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I communicate through verbal and physical cues. When I love someone, there is never a question about how much because I will constantly show you and tell.You read it everyone, she loves love. She will probably end up saying this on the show.
Calling it now: will make it to at least hometowns.
Lauren H.
Q: What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
A: Tubing through glow worm caves in New Zealand. All I could think of was the movie The Descent. It was scary, but awesome!Good movie taste alert!!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where would you go and why?
A: California – because that’s where The Bachelor mansion is. :)Please stop.
Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
A: Chris Harrison, because his job seems pretty amazing.Come on!! Seriously!? Stop "sucking up" or whatever you're doing. It's annoying.
Q: What is your most embarrassing moment?
A: OMG, embarrassing stuff happens to me so much! The other day my boss was asking what Pinterest was and I pulled mine up to see what it was like – and there was all of this wedding stuff!! He was like, “Um, do you even have a boyfriend?” :(Look how quirky my life is this never happened (Taking a page from Becca's playbook there).
Q: What is your best date memory?
A: Honestly, my favorite date ever was going to the grocery store with a guy I got along well with. We were just joking around the whole time and it was a blast.IT WAS A BLAST! A BLAST I TELL YOU!
...It wasn't a date.
Lauren R.
She's with that guy in every single picture on her Instagram, so she probably doesn't win.
Q: Lunch with three people, dead or alive, and what would you order?
A: Jesus, Michelangelo (just saw many of his paintings in Rome...what a talented weirdo), and Justin Timberlake. It'd be quite the trio! I'd order pizza."I'd order pizza", LOVE.
Nothing else really stands out. She's a math teacher though -- if my teachers looked like this, I would be so happy. I bet her ratemyteacher has a chili pepper.
Leah
Q: What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
A: Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.Fabulous.
What are these interviews like for this to happen?
Whatever I already don't care anymore.
Maegan
Ouch.
Q: If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it?
A: Shoot, I do this all the time! It’s called you walk and ask the guy a question. It’s not rocket science. PS – Ass grabbing always works great!Ouch.
Prediction: Gone on the first night.
Mandi
Occupation: DentistAccording to her bio, she even has her doctorate in dentistry. Impressive.
Here is her audition video. She's hilarious. Seriously watch this:
Olivia
She has a REALLY cute face. She's a news anchor, so hey another good career! I feel like this season's girls have way better careers than Chris Soules's girls. Or maybe it just feels that way? I don't know but I'm glad to see it.
Q: All-Time Favorite Movies:
A: Titanic, Shawshank Redemption, AnchormanShe likes Anchorman and she's a news anchor, how rich.
Q: What are you most afraid of?
A: I don’t fear much except ending up alone. I’ve been on my own so much and I’m so independent. I would hate to wake up one day with everything I’ve worked so hard for but there’s no one in bed next to me.This...made me feel. The show didn't even start and I'm feeling. Wow.
Honestly she seems to be the most charismatic and normal of all of the contestants so far.
I'm sure she makes it far.
Rachel
Occupation: Unemployed1. Unemployed isn't an occupation.
2. The twins got to put their occupation as "twin", so why can't Rachel just put whatever she wants instead of "unemployed"? It just looks so bad. She's only 23, she most likely just finished school.
Q: All-time Favorite Movies:
A: The Parent Trap, Sound of Music, Pride and PrejudiceIt's just weird, this is like the third or fourth girl so far that put The Parent Trap as their favorite movie in these bios. I mean it wasn't THAT good. Do these girls actively choose to watch this movie on their own time?
Q: What is the longest relationship you have been in and why didn’t it work out?
A: Year and a half – on and off. They guy was more interested in his friends and being popular than he was me.We've all been there. I'm starting to feel again.
Samantha
Every single picture of her looks different.
Occupation: AttorneyHoly shit. I was correct: they've definitely stepped up the careers here.
Nothing else really notable. Still not as boring as Amber.
Shushanna
Interesting name.
Another beautiful girl. I can't even take it, I'm not going to be able to focus on the plot of the show. THE PLOT. AHAHA. That's a laugh.
Occupation: MathematicianToo smart for this show.
Q: Favorite Music:
A: Deep House, EDM, Russian"Deep House" sounds really funny for some reason.
Q: What’s the closest you have ever come to being married, and why didn’t it work out?
A: After five years of being together, we wanted different things from life. And I couldn’t live with his mom.I'll marry you Shushanna. I live with my mom but trust me she's cool.
Q: What do you hope to get out of participating in "The Bachelor"?
A: At some point I stopped believing in love again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so busy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.I'll marry you Shushanna.
I really like this girl, I hope she makes it far.
Tiara
Occupation: Chicken EnthusiastWhat the fuck.
Q: What is your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?
A: Chickens. If I see chickens anywhere, I want to stop and hold them.What the fuck.
Q: What are five things you can't live without?
A: My chickens, my horse, food, my car, my dad and sister.She put chickens before her dad and sister...
What the fuck.
Conclusion
The girls this season are very good looking and for the most part have good careers. I am happy. Can't wait for next week when the show starts! Recaps will probably (hopefully) be posted every Tuesday or Wednesday after each episode.
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| HYPE |
